May 11, 2014

Mother's Day Feature Story: The Day I Wish My Mother Gone

"How are you?" My mother greeted me as she held the door opened for me. Her usual smile painted all over her face. "Good" I replied monotonously like I do each day and walked past her uncaring. This have become a daily routine that it's almost like a broken record replaying a part of my day over and over again. 

Each day I wish it was different.  

Each day I wish my mom was not at the door to greet me.

Her incessant queries on how my day at school was, or if anything good or bad happened, lately, irritates me to no end. I'd rather she not ask and just leave me the hell be! 

On this particular day, I got really irritated and got sassier than usual. She of course, wasn't please about it but, rather than argue with me, she simply told me to "stop!" and headed upstairs because laundry was beckoning for her.

I thought, "saved by the buzzer!" 

I simply didn't want to hear my mom's rhetoric litany on things mundane such as my nasty attitude towards her. Because if not, I was ready to give her more. Oh yeah, I have more where this sassiness comes from!

OK, it's not that I don't respect her. I do love my mom but for some reason, I wish she was more interesting like my friend Jenny's mom. She's cool and fun to be around with. 

My mom is...just mom.

She's stuck at home all day, almost all week and the only time she really gets out is during the weekend when we do our errands like grocery shopping. Boooring! I guess it doesn't help that we only have one car but well, I just see her as a boring mom now. Then she'd rather spend time with me during the weekends to catch up with me but I wasn't into that. I want to have fun. And Jenny's mom is fun!

So every single chance I get, I try to spend time with Jenny and her mom. I'm actually glad that my mom lets me. She'd tell my dad "Good so she can have some fun with Jenny than be bored here."  Darn right she is!

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I feel more alive being there and feeling Jenny's mom is more my kind of mom! So, I continued being sassy and outright disrespectful towards her whenever. I've also learned how to tune her out - like today.

My mom was still tending on the laundry when I went to my room.  I walked past the laundry room quietly so she won't see me and escape to my room in silence! I locked my door, propped myself on my bed and started scribbling on my sketch book when I heard a knock. It was my mom.

I cracked the door open and hopped back on my bed. She stood by the door and calmly asked me what the deal is with me, the attitude, sassiness and monstrosity I have towards her lately. Well, I didn't want to have that kind of conversation with her so, I retorted with anger and told her, "I don't think I can tell you anything and I don't trust you, not at all, never did and I have no plans of telling you anything and I wish you were gone!"

I saw that my words hurt my mom deeply but she didn't say a word. She just looked at me, closed the door gently and walked away. We never spoke again the rest of that night. 

The next day, I left for school without seeing my mom that morning. I was thinking she probably slept in which was good for me because I don't think I can deal with drama that early.

My day at school went on as usual. Then it was time to get home. I stepped off the bus and walked towards our house. As I get closer to our front door my feet seem to get heavier. 

I don't want to see my mom behind that door!

Reluctantly, I unlocked the door and took a deep breath. I slowly pushed the door open and cautiously took a peek inside. No mom! I was relieved. I went in and looked around, my mom is nowhere. Good! But where can she be? Probably in her room napping? Well, she doesn't nap! I countered myself. 

Then my phone rang.  It was my dad.  I said "hello! Whazzup dad?" I heard my dad sobbing like I have never heard him sob before. I got alarmed. "Dad are you okay?! What's wrong!?"

My dad was at the hospital. Not because he's sick, but that he was at the morgue to identify my mom's body.  "Mom is dead!?" I asked, shaking in fear. When I heard my dad said "yes", I dropped down on the floor on my knees and started crying my eyes out! Guilt washed over me. 

I wished my mom gone and now she's gone! I should be happy. I got my wish...

That night, my dad told me what happened.

Apparently, my mom took a walk that afternoon and when she took a pause on the side of the road, she got hit by a car. The driver was texting and driving and didn't realize his car has swerved off the road. By the time he was aware, it was too late. 

His car struck my mom full on. She flew 10 feet and landed inside a ditch. Policemen handling the case told my dad that when the driver got to her, she was still alive and fighting for her life. She was clutching tightly on her phone she held close to her chest, which she later handed to him and told him"give it to her" and took her last breathe. He said my mom was standing on the side of the road and texting when his car struck her. The irony. She saw him coming but it was too late.

Then my dad handed me my mom's bloody phone and told me to read the message on the screen, but my hands were trembling so bad, he have to hold it for me. Her text was saved on draft because it never got sent. It was for me. 

It said, " Nicole, I know growing up is tough and I understand what you're going through. I know that sometimes you hate me. But you should know that I love you no less. You should also know that being a mom is also tough and I know you wish I was gone some times but I should warn you, it's tougher without me! Someday you will realize that. For now, I'm your mom and I love you! See you tonight!"

I broke into million pieces because I know, I'll never get that chance tonight. Not ever. In between sobs I cried "So sorry mom! So sorry!!!" But she'll never hear this either. Not anymore. No matter how much I scream it. It's too late.

She's gone. My mom is gone. I wished her gone. I've lost the only person that loves me with all her heart even though I hurt her many times.

She's finally gone. I got my wish. I should be happy but no, I've lost my mom...forever and God, it hurts!

*This is a fiction story inspired by all the moms in the world and their unconditional love for their children. No mom was hurt in this story even though one was tragically killed-off.


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