May 24, 2013

Do I Look Pregnant? Don't Answer that!

Hello? Anybody there?
Warning: This article is the ramblings of a woman under coffee coma. If you don't like muffin or loathe the word skinny, run away as fast as you can. If you love humor (at this woman's expense) then READ ON.

Not too long ago, I made a disconcerting decision to look at myself in the mirror, LIKE REALLY LOOK! I was probably naked. I tend to develop amnesia with things that shocks me. Though I remember, I started with a squint then bravely opened my eyes wide open, trying forcefully to not blink! If you were me, you'd be scared too and probably screamed! I did not scream. But what I saw in that reflection was one of those moments where you simply have to drop the "Whadda FFFF" expletive. Tracy Beckerman of Lost in Suburbia came to mind, not because she's a potty-mouth, though I'm sure she is sometimes, but rather specifically, of that chapter in her book where she mentioned "WIDE LOAD".

Reading about that was funny. Seeing my reflection and needing that banner plastered across me isn't funny.

Skinny in Kuwait!
Viewing deck inside Kuwait Towers

Man, I was huge in every "Filipino standards" way. This explains why my mom kept nagging me about losing weight and losing the belly everytime she sees me and it confuses me! Back in the days, when I was thin, like size double 00 thin (see picture), she would bug me to no end to eat more to gain weight! Now that I've GAINED the weight, she wants me to lose it! Why can't she make up her mind already?!

Mothers are confusing. My mother is confusing. And no. My belly is not big.

The mirror lies. I simply just look like I swallowed...a melon perhaps? Noooo...who am I kidding? I'm big and wide and I look pregnant! And looking pregnant when you're NOT, is like having a total nightmare turning into reality while you're wide awake! Doesn't seem possible but that mirror don't lie! Talk about a Freddy Kruger moment.

4 months preggers and still skinny - Where did all this skinny-ness go?

I confess at my age, so not telling you my age, but I will tell you that I, at my age, still long to get preggers. Yes I do! What's wrong with you? I'm sure it's not for everyone. But if you're like Sarah who got pregnant at age 90 then you're still right up the preggers-alley! If she can, I can too right? Considering I've only got one child, I think I can handle another one. If only my (almost rotten) eggs will give its last epic hurrah before they vanish to menopauseland, and grant me another poopy-drooling-monstrously-hungry-every-two-hours-baby. Then I'm cool with THIS unpregnant-pregnant-looking-belly if it will house another baby!

BUT NOT! Looking preggers is utterly not the same as looking preggers and REALLY preggers! I should have been more specific when I threw that wish out into the universe. I think the kitchen heard me loud and clear but made the baby-granting gods go deaf trying to understand what I was mumbling about in between gobbles of food in my mouth! What can I say? Food is good. Organic yo!

Some organic belly alright! I should have known that when it was getting harder to see that place where you pee out from, and needed to shave it, because that is what cool chicks do! - and you have to literally lift some extra skin out of the way so you can see what's down below... I should have seen the signs... Well, I was kind of busy trying to maneuver the muffin top to see beyond it to see anything else for crying out loud!

Crazy thing about this is that it makes you act like you're pregnant. That time when you don't want other people to know that you are pregnant. YOU HIDE THE BELLY!  But more so, when you look pregnant and not pregnant at all! YOU HIDE IT FOREVER. And you'll agree that it is a necessity. You wouldn't want to find yourself wearing an orange jumpsuit and lock up somewhere for strangling up tons of people, mostly strangers, who can't keep their mouth shut stop asking you "Are you pregnant? When are you due?" 

Nosy people. Can't let you be!

Do you look pregnant too?
I know a lot of women can relate to my muffin. Real women have them. I call it "The curse of the c-section". It kills off the muscles around the cut section which creates the flap! The evil flap. Then Motherhood adds insult to injury by making you gain weight - gotta keep up with the every 2 hour demand ya know -  and before you know it, you're sporting the infamous muffin top! Which by the way, keeps growing. You'd think you're eating Miracle Gro!

I don't even love muffin.

Now before you hurl rotten tomatoes at me for speaking the unspeakable truth, I want you to know, I'm actually doing something to vanish the unpregnant-pregnant-looking-belly. Yes something. Although, I don't understand why I had to wait years to REALLY do something. Call me lazy, maybe. A little drastic but not totally automatic. It's a slow process (and slow progress - age, really?) but I'm hoping that finally facing my muffin and not hiding it (pretty well) will give me some sense of triumph!

It's working! Muffin top is shrinking as I speak. I might let you in on my secret one of these days. That is if, I'm successful. I was not called "stick thin" for nothing. I'm going to get "stick thin" back...or something.

What about you? How much does it bother you looking pregnant when you're not? Any horror stories? How did you get rid off your muffin, if you have successfully done so?

Sound off moms. I'll even hold your hands.

No BS here.
Neither on this one.

1 comment:

  1. I SO feel your pain about this. I feel and wonder many of the same thoughts your shared. BTW, there's no judgment for taking time to get healthy. We needed the right time for us. It's not too late. Lets do it together this year!


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